Make time for yourself, have space where you can meet, dare to be natural … Each couple knows the daily challenges to overcome so that everyone can feel good! But when one is hyper emphatic it is sometimes a little more difficult to know how to act as a couple and take care of his love life. Here are the 12 secrets of hyper empathic lovers to help you live better together!
1. Give yourself regular moments of solitude to unwind and meditate
For the hyper empathic, time alone is not a luxury, but an absolute necessity. You have to find the right balance between the time you keep to yourself and the time you devote to others. Give yourself regularly what I call a “golden hour” to unwind. Make it a habit to take a few breaks during the day. Explain to your partner why these moments of relaxation are vital to you. In addition, these breaks provide us with the necessary space to take stock, particularly of any questions in your relationship, which will facilitate communication with our partner in the future. You can also take relaxing moments together – you don’t necessarily want to be alone, but just to be left alone. If you explain it kindly to your spouse, he or she will not feel rejected or offended.
There are different ways to solve the classic issue of time alone. For example, on one of my promotional tours, when I was exhausted at the end of the day from meeting so many people, my spouse would call me in my hotel room and we would communicate together in silence. We were happy to share this moment of calm. It was great to feel her presence without having to talk. Even though we adore each other and he is very attentive, we are still facing the specific issues related to my hyperempathetic nature. The very nature of the relationship demands compromises and sacrifices on both sides, but never at the expense of our souls. It is essential to find the right balance.
2. Discuss how much time you want to devote to your social life
Hyperempathics, especially introverts, have fewer social life skills than those who are not equally sensitive. We really like to be alone at times when others prefer to be in good company. As one patient once explained to me, “I’d rather watch a show on Netflix than go to a party. Another told me: “I love people, but the idea of giving up my moments of solitude scares me. It’s like I’m stopping breathing. On the other hand, if I have too much free time, I feel disconnected from the world. “These words illustrate the importance of finding the right balance in your social life, especially if your partner is not himself hyperempathetic.
I share with you the solution I imagined during a stay in the Bahamas with my spouse. We stayed in a bed and breakfast where the guests met for the evening meal. My companion was thrilled; he found it an ideal way to meet interesting people. Personally, I’m not always very sociable, and not very good at talking about anything. Having to make conversation with so many strangers would have made me crazy. So we looked for a solution. I could have dined alone in the room, which would have been my natural tendency, but I also didn’t want to deprive myself of my husband’s company. So we came to a compromise when we decided to have dinner on the quay, alone together, and then he would go back to the guesthouse and join the guests while I took the time alone. This solution was ideal since it satisfied both of us.
A hyperempathetic patient told me that, during a cruise, she made with her companion, he enjoyed having dinner with the large passenger tables. She, on the other hand, found these shared moments too difficult. For a few days, his companion had to stay in their cabin because he was sick. Also, she was having dinner alone, which was extremely pleasant for her. Many passengers invited him to join them. “I guess they were complaining,” she explained. But I politely declined their invitation, because I really enjoyed those lonely moments. Not many people understand this, but now my companion respects this side of my personality. »
3. Negotiate and make adjustments to adjust your space
It is necessary to have a room where you can isolate yourself. Determine the space you need, and establish rules with your partner. What would be the best arrangement? A place of your own where you could retire at your leisure, for example, your own bathroom (essential for me !), one or several rooms of your own, or a separate apartment? Whatever you decide, it’s important that you don’t step on your feet. When you travel together, you could opt for adjoining rooms with private bathrooms (that’s what I do). If you have no choice but to share the same room, you can suspend a sheet in the middle of the room and divide it in two. An ex-spouse gave me a door sign with “No Trespassing”, which I really enjoyed.
Also consider the odors and chemicals that might bother you in your environment, as you probably have a very fine sense of smell. Share your preferences. For example, you may need him to give up his aftershave lotion or even the perfumes or synthetic oils for the body, which can make you uncomfortable, unlike essential oils.
4. Consider separate beds or separate rooms
Sleeping with your spouse should not be an obligation. Children, we sleep alone, and adults, overnight, we are supposed to share our bed. This change is difficult for many hyperempathics. This is no more and no less than a social construction that does not suit everyone, and for my part, I consider this totally absurd. It is true that most of the time, couples like to share the same bed, but some hyperempathics never get used to it. Even if our partner is very attentive, we prefer to have our own space, failing a double bed or twin beds that touch each other. This allows both partners to take all their space without disturbing the other. If you feel the need, allow yourself to sleep in separate beds or mattresses that you can sleep in, or sleep in separate bedrooms.
If your spouse is not as sensitive as you are, he or she may feel alone sleeping without you, so compromise whenever possible. For example, you might decide to sleep together four nights a week and only the rest of the time. One of my hyperempathetic patients explained to her husband that she preferred that he didn’t huddle against her all night. Constant physical proximity is not always the taste of hyperempathics.
Read also: Dating an emotionally unavailable woman
Another woman I know has found another solution to this problem. When she and her husband sleep in spoons, she sits behind him. She likes the energy exchange that this position gives her. But when it is enough for her, she turns to finish the night without being glued to her husband or finding herself all against the edge of the bed without enough room for her.
Hyperempathics often have light sleep. A spouse who snores or moves a lot can easily disturb us. We may also need more sleep than our partner and be disturbed when the Dream cycle is interrupted.
For years, I slept alone for all these reasons. But my current partner has proposed a process of desensitization so that I gradually get used to sleeping with him. I’ve decided to try. At first, he slept all over the edge of our king-size bed and had agreed to sleep in another room if I didn’t feel comfortable. He said, ” If it’s not comfortable for you, just touch my arm, and I’ll sleep somewhere else. And if you want more contact, tell me, and I’ll get closer. “Over time, it has helped me feel better when I sleep with him – although he is quite quiet in his sleep and stays on his side of the bed. If he’s too close to me and I need more space, I just tell him, and he walks away.
Some hyperempathics like to sleep late because the only time they can have some time for them is when their spouse and children are in bed. If this is your case, explain it to the partner, so that he understands why you are not going to bed at the same time as him.
5. Focus on one emotional issue and avoid repeating yourself
Hyperempathics often face multiple emotional issues at the same time, which can be exhausting for them and their partners. The best way to communicate with your partner is to address only one problem at a time, without repeating it, unless he or she asks for clarification. My partner says he feels like his brain is pressurized when I tell him too many questions at once, or I repeat myself to insist on one point. Men often have a pragmatic approach and like to be helpful.
If we ask them too much in the same conversation, they may feel that they will never succeed. For example, if you just say, “I’m mad at my boss for the way he treated me today, “then,” please turn off the TV because I’m so nervous, “and then,” you can help me with the shopping bags, “and then,” why don’t you listen to me when I’m annoyed?” “you bombard with too much information at once. Remember that hyperempathics need to be alone to decompress after a conflict. Take a moment alone to soothe yourself, reflect on your problems and regain your inner balance.
6. Don’t take things personally, even when they’re personal.
In a spiritual journey, it is a demanding principle, requiring a lot of effort but essential to preserve the harmony of the relationship and good communication. Try to be less responsive to comments, so you don’t feel hurt as often or as badly.
7. Use the sandwich technique: make demands, not demands
When dealing with a conflicting topic with your partner, or when you want to ask your partner to change something, make a positive comment in between. For example, start by telling her that you love her and appreciate her support. Then make your request: “I need your help. I’d like to do half an hour of meditation every night, and it would be great if you would just give me that time. It would help me to be even more present for you afterward. “Then hug him and thank him for his concern. Use this technique when dealing with sensitive topics.
8. Impose a rule against screaming
The hyperempathics are very affected by the screams and sound voices. Our partner must realize this and accept it. For my own protection, I strictly enforce this rule at home. A hyper empathic told me, ” I can’t bear to hear people quarrel. The vibration of anger affects me physically and the screaming drains my energy for days. »
9. Don’t try to lease everyone or heals your spouse
Hyperempathics exhaust themselves unnecessarily when trying to solve the problems of others or meet their needs at the expense of their own. Practice loving detachment, and feel free to set your limits. From the beginning of our relationship, my partner has been telling me that he hates it when I tell him what to do to improve himself.
When he’s going through a difficult time, he prefers me to tell him that I’m convinced he can handle it, rather than me giving him advice that he hasn’t asked for. This technique prevents me from absorbing her stress-an an indispensable ability for hyper empathic to survive in a romantic or couple relationship while showing her confidence in her ability to solve her own problems. Don’t interfere with her life. It is a gift that is given to others, to let them be themselves and to find their own resources to deal with the difficulties they face.
10. Modulatesound and lights
Hyperempathics are usually calm people. Our loved ones must accept it and ensure that a house is a peaceful place. Tell your spouse that you need peace and tranquility. If you can’t stand the TV or radio is turned on all the time, a wireless headset or earplugs could be a big help. Also avoid computers or tablets in bed because of their dazzling light, intrusive sounds and harmful electromagnetic radiation
11. Negotiate an hour to take a bath
Because they love water, hyperempathics like to spend time in the shower or bath. I’ll admit I could relax in the water at least an hour every night. I’m lucky to have a window in my bathroom that allows me to contemplate the reflection of the moon on the water. It gives me both intense well-being and energy. However, my spouse likes it when we go to bed at the same time. So we reached a compromise: I modulate the duration of my bath, allowing myself long ones some nights.
Hyperempathics are usually serious, but they like to play. Have fun with your partner, and give them the chance to discover your inner child.